I’m going to tell her

I’ve decided to share this blog with Diane. I’m a bit nervous about doing it because I don’t know what will be the ultimate outcome. In my heart, I believe it will be good and I completely trust Diane and am willing to put the outcome in her hands. I can only speculate as to what her reactions and emotions will be as she reads through the entire story and I hope that after it’s all said and done she’ll be able to share her thoughts with me.

As part of sharing this blog with her, I have a small gift that I am going to give her. The gift is a bookmark and it has a symbolic meaning. Being a bookmark, it symbolizes an important point in our relationship, however, the full extent of the meaning will only be known over time.

I believe the bookmark will ultimately come to symbolize one of the following:

• The point in time that our relationship took a downward turn to an awkward place that ultimately led to a dissolved or diluted friendship.
• The start of a new chapter and an upward turn in our relationship fueled by greater trust, honesty and transparency.

I know which outcome I am praying for.

Diane- You amaze me; you are a blessing; I love you. -Steve

PS. The story begins here.

Retrospective illumination and über blessings

I said in a previous post that “I wonder sometimes how I developed such a strong affection for Diane in such a short period of time.” In the last day, however, a thought has occurred to me. Diane is really the first woman I’ve encountered since meeting my wife some 20 years ago who really rivals my wife in every aspect of who she is. It’s not that Diane is just like my wife – she’s not – it’s that she is the same kind of beautiful, exceptional person that my wife is, but in her own unique way. So, in retrospect I suppose it’s not that difficult to understand how I could start falling for Diane in a more-than-platonic way because many years ago I met this same kind of amazing woman and fell head-over-heels in love with her and married her.

And now that I think about it in this way, another thought occurs to me and it is that I am a doubly blessed person. For 20 years, I have been blessed to have an amazing friend/wife/lover to share my life with outside of work. And now, I have the additional blessing of having an equally amazing friend that I get to spend time with every day at work. All I can say is that God is good and I am humbled to have this incredible blessing in my life.

“Breathe this moment a little bit longer; make each sensation a little bit stronger.” -Rush, Time Stand Still

Freedom

I’ve reached the other side of an intense personal internal struggle and it is beginning to feel good. I feel like a weight is lifting and a tightness in my chest is releasing. I now know in my heart that my true desire is not to cheat on my wife and my true intention towards Diane is not to pursue an inappropriate relationship with her. Satan did a masterful job of trying to tempt my flesh, jack with my emotions and twist my thoughts, but I feel like I have faced the attack head on and have come through by the grace of God and the strength of Christ who lives in me.

I feel a sense of freedom now. Freedom to be friends with Diane to the fullest extent possible. Freedom to enjoy a relationship with her based on trust and transparency – free from guilt and suspicion. This is what I have truly desired all along.

Satan is an asshole

I think I’ve finally reached clarity regarding my inner struggle. What I’ve come to understand is that Satan is an asshole. Sure, I’ve always known he was the enemy, but through this experience I’ve come to have a new appreciation for what a jerk he is.

My friendship with Diane is one of the best things I have in my life right now. It’s not that my life otherwise sucks – it’s actually pretty good – but Diane adds a dimension of joy and meaning to my life that I didn’t previously have – and that’s a beautiful thing. It’s truly a blessing from God. And Satan, the asshole, has tried to ruin the whole thing and destroy everything that is good in my life in the process.

I wonder sometimes how I developed such a strong affection for Diane in such a short period of time, but mostly I’m just grateful for it. Although I make friends pretty easily and have many friends, it is actually quite rare that I really connect with someone on every level. I suppose that’s true for other people as well. Diane is one of those rare people for me where everything about her resonates with me and I know that is a big reason for the strength and depth of friendship I feel towards her. I’m not sure if she sees me as that same kind of person for her, but I hope that she does in some small measure (at least enough to want to keep me in her life as a friend forever :-).

So, as I’ve worked through this inner struggle and prayed through it and blogged it out, here is the clarity that I have reached:

• My affection for Diane is strong and deep.
• My love for her is appropriate (agape).
• My intentions toward her are honorable.
• Satan, the asshole, has done his best to confuse me and to distort my feelings for Diane. He has done his best to get the current of love and affection that I feel for Diane to overflow the banks of agape and spill out into the flood plain of eros.
• I know that the lasting joy of an appropriate and honorable relationship with Diane will far exceed the temporary thrill of any misguided dalliance.

I’m fooling myself

So, I’m going through this inner turmoil about this woman friend at work and the fact that I seem to have more-than-platonic feelings for her and wondering if I ever could or would try to act on those feelings as a married man, but I have to be honest that I am almost certainly fooling myself. As the saying goes, “it takes two to tango” and this friend has given me no indication that she harbors any interest in me beyond platonic.

Diane is a strong and mature Christian woman and I’m very certain that becoming inappropriately involved with a married man is pretty much dead last on her list of life aspirations. Of course, I realize that these kind of things happen to even the best of us and so it is not impossible for her also to be tempted, but I would be seriously deluded to think that the probability of her falling for me in any way is appreciably above zero.

So, if it is true that nothing inappropriate is ever likely to happen between me and Diane given her almost certain utter lack of interest, why I am I so twisted up about it? That’s a good question and the answer is that, even if there is no actual risk of something happening, my feelings and desires are doing a number on me and are having an effect on how I relate to Diane.

Until I can work through this issue and come to some resolution, I feel that I am constantly on guard against myself and suspicious of my motives with respect to my friendship with Diane. This isn’t good because Diane is an amazing friend to me and I want to have the deepest, purest, most satisfying friendship possible with her. But if my love and affections for her are spilling out of appropriate channels into inappropriate ones, then I’m going to screw the whole thing up and, as I said before, that would be a wretched mistake.

As I have been processing through all this, I have found blogging about it to be very helpful. It forces me to organize my thoughts and think through things rather than just letting my emotions rule the day. I believe God has also been speaking to me about all this – especially the past couple of Sundays at church. It seems like the Bible study lessons and sermons have been aimed right at me and I actually feel that clarity is coming.

Why do men cheat?

According to conventional wisdom and surveys, men typically cheat because their needs aren’t being met at home. This certainly makes sense and probably explains most cheating. When I commented on a post by wanderingchristing and mentioned my dilemma to her, she immediately responded with the obvious question, “what is missing between you and your wife?” This is a great question and one I have contemplated as I’ve tried to work through my internal struggle.

As I’ve thought about this question, the answer seems to be: not a whole heck of a lot. I met my wife in college and it was love at first sight. We were engaged after a short period of time and married soon after that. We’ve been married for many years now and have a couple great kids. Our marriage now is as good as it has ever been and our sex life has actually improved with time and it has gotten to the point where we’re really quite good at it! So, the fact that I am attracted to this woman friend at work doesn’t seem to be because I’m in a dead end, loveless, sexless marriage. My wife is beautiful, smart and funny. She’s a great wife and a terrific mother and a loyal friend. I’m really not on the hunt trying to find something that I’m not getting at home.

To be fair, I also know that no husband or wife can ever supply 100% of what their spouse needs in a relationship. For example, I know that my wife needs her girlfriends to talk to because I just don’t fully meet her needs when it comes to daily conversation. Likewise, I have guy friends that meet my needs for outdoor adventures and such. I think this is all quite normal.

I suppose one thing Diane provides that I don’t get at home is the fun of getting to know a new person and getting to hear new stories about someone and getting to share old stories that my wife has heard a hundred times. After many years of marriage, there’s not a lot of new discovery about your spouse. You know the other person very well and they know you very well. It is kind of fun to have a new person to share stories with and have someone look at you and appreciate you from a different perspective. But I’m not sure this explains the intensity of the feelings I have felt for Diane. I’ve certainly enjoyed the fun of getting to know many new friends through the years (some who were also attractive women) without feeling the desire to put my marriage at risk.

About her

I’ll call her Diane, but that’s not her real name.

She’s several years younger than I am. She’s single, but in a long distance relationship with a guy who is a bit of a flake, IMO, and she has more or less conceded that this guy isn’t “the one,” but she’s kind of letting the relationship ride to give it a fair chance and because there isn’t another boyfriend candidate at the moment (ok, it’s more complicated than that, but I’m simplifying for brevity’s sake). She’s incredibly attractive, incredibly smart, super funny and a passionate Christian – everything that any guy with half a brain is looking for, so I find it incredible that she’s still available and eligible guys aren’t lined up around the block waiting for their turn to win her heart.

A few months ago I took a new position at our company and in my new position Diane reports to me. Since we’ve started working together, we’ve become very good friends. She is actually part of the reason I took the position. I had met her before at work and had instantly liked her (all very platonic) and, when offered the position, I thought it would be great to have the chance to work with her.

When we started working together, we became fast friends when we discovered that we were both Christians and shared the same sarcastic humor, etc. As I’ve gotten to know her, I’ve discovered what a beautiful, exceptional person she is on every level. She is just one of those rare people in life that brings incredible joy to those who know her.

In a very short time, I have developed a deep affection for her and I find myself thinking of her often. Sometimes I look at her and she is so beautiful to me that I just want to grab her and kiss her. You’re probably thinking this sounds like the typical middle-aged man having a mid-life crisis chasing after the pretty young coworker scenario, but I really don’t think it is.

To me, she is this incredible, beautiful person that I love in a very appropriate, agape way. But I am also finding that because of this deep affection for her and because of how beautiful I find her to be, I have this desire to want more of her. Feel free to call bullshit on this and say that I’m just dressing up lust in flowery terms to try and justify my desires, but I still maintain that there is something much deeper and complicated here.

It’s all very intense, emotional and conflicted in my mind and I spend countless hours trying to process it all and figure it out. I really do love and care about her in a pure agape way and part of what scares me about these other desires is that I could easily screw everything up and destroy an amazing friendship with an amazing person. What a wretched mistake that would be …

I already know the answer

I want to establish something up front. I already know the answer to the question, “should I cheat on my wife?” If you’ve looked at my About Me page, then you know that I’m a Christian. I should probably elaborate on that, however, since “Christian” is an overused and misused term in the “Christian Nation” of America. I am a born-again disciple of Jesus Christ, the one-and-only Son of the one-and-only God and the one-and-only Person through whom eternal life can be attained. Therefore, I know without a doubt that the Biblical answer to this question is, “no.” I should not cheat on my wife.

You see, the inner struggle I am having is not one of trying to figure out if cheating is wrong and it is not one of trying to justify cheating. It is a struggle of finding that, after many years of wonderful marriage to a wonderful woman, I have a desire for another person that I am finding impossible to ignore. So, the question isn’t so much, “should I?,” rather it is “will I or wont I?” If I do, what will be the events and thought process that leads to that outcome? If I don’t, what will be the events and thought process that leads to that outcome? Either way, I’m on a journey and I will be a different person on the other side of it.

Perhaps you’ve been there. Perhaps you have insight from your journey. Please share.

She wore a new dress today

She wore a new dress today. It was a simple dress, but she was simply beautiful in it.

The question …

I’ve never blogged before, so bear with me until I get the hang of it.

To cut to the chase, this blog is intended to record a personal, internal journey about whether or not to cheat on my wife. Just writing those last few words makes me pause because this is the first time I have actually expressed that thought in a form other than in my mind. I feel that I need an outlet for the inner dialog I am having about this question (to cheat or not?) and I don’t know who I can safely talk to about this struggle I am having. Obviously, it is not a subject to bring up with my wife. And talking to friends is risky because it will somehow get around and back to my wife. A therapist might be an option, but it would be hard to do without being discovered. And so I have decided to attempt this in an anonymous blog.

I’m not sure where this will ultimately lead, but if it is somehow helpful or entertaining or illuminating to anyone (including me), I will be pleased.

Steve (not my real name)